thanks for being here
Dear friends,
Welcome to my first, real, blog post. I am excited to start using this platform a bit more as I scrubbed myself from all social media platforms this past year.
As I sat in my backyard this morning. Letting my skin soak up the morning sun (I’m trying to implement some of Andrew Huberman’s morning routine into my daily habits, wish me luck!) and sipping on my coffee, I had an image sweep across my mind.
A girl is walking towards a very long staircase (in my mind, it is a beautiful staircase with gardens all around that is leading to a very large Buddha statue at the top), but during her stroll, she is swept up in a tornado and viciously whipped around for longer than you would hope. She is then released. In a pretty beat-up state, bleeding and broken, she tells herself she must complete the ascension and chaotically begins to stumble up the stairs. Weeping and delusional, she is in a state of shock.
My mind then reroutes the storyline.
It is so obvious that the climb, as well as the moment of reaching the Buddha, would be more meaningful if only she attended to her wounds first. And so I see her sit at the bottom. She bandages herself, drinks some water, and most importantly, waits until she has healed enough to climb with grace and intention.
Ah, got it! I think to myself.
At times, I feel as though I am being lazy. I feel as though I am not using myself as an instrument for change, for the imminent change that is so deeply needed at this time… Why aren’t I of more service to the world yet? Why aren’t I able to put more energy into my goals?
But then I understand…
I have just been released from the tight grip of a metaphorical tornado. And it is my sole job at this moment in time to catch my breath, regain my footing, tend to my wounds, and heal.
I believe what healing looks like for me at this moment time is reclaiming my mind. Remembering who I am and what I believe. What I think and why.
You see, I have been whipped around in the chaos of an extremely manipulative and volatile relationship for the past 15 years. During this emotional and verbal abuse, I got really scared to have an opinion. Over the past decade, my opinions and actions were interrogated and demeaned on a daily basis…
Every little move I would make. Every food choice. Every clothing choice. Not to mention the bigger life decisions, were put under a microscope and ripped apart with the most merciless language. I was constantly getting feedback that I was stupid, a traitor (if I believed something outside “the family values”), divisive, manipulative, selfish, greedy, and dishonorable.
Although I was able to tell myself that this person was sick and just outright wrong, of course, the words crept into the cracks of my mind. Slowly, over the years, these words became the voice in my head. And so, I became increasingly more afraid to have an opinion of my own, as I worried that once I shared it, people would interrogate my opinion and expose my stupidity and selfishness. To make things simple, I would often look to agree with others unless I felt truly safe around them to express my genuine opinion… But even then, I would constantly second-guess myself once the words came out.
A couple of years ago, a dear friend reflected back to me that he would notice how quiet I would become in groups of people. I remember him saying that he just wished they could hear what I thought. And I think of that moment often.
Ever since he expressed this, I have become increasingly aware of how I freeze in groups... and not even huge groups, maybe 4 people or more. Even when people start talking about subjects that I am truly passionate about, and have a lot of opinions/information on, I suddenly freeze. For things like attachment styles, relationship dynamics, astrology, yogic lifestyle, dharmic principles, Indigenous rights, outdoor education, etc…
I’m not sure if I start putting too much pressure on my brain, or what happens, but I begin to panic. The script in my head goes something like…
Haven’t you been obsessed with this subject for like 5 years?!
You should know this!
Oh my god, this is so embarrassing!
Why are you so stupid, figure it out!!
You seriously can’t remember ONE thing!?
Haven’t you read like 3 books on this? What did you even learn?!
Or…
How dare you have an opinion?
Acting like you know something they don’t, LOLL
That’s pretty presumptuous of you.
Anyways, they already know what you're going to say, everyone knows that, you idiot.
Who do you think you are?
And so on…
In the moment, it feels as though I had never once contemplated the subject at hand. And so I stay quiet, so as not to expose myself to the embarrassing predicament of truly believing something, yet not being able to recall any of the foundations that inform that belief.
So, this morning it came to me. I am going to assign myself book reports for my beliefs. For my interests, ideologies, travels, lived experiences, and maybe even for actual books (who knows!).
I hope that these assignments will serve as a tool to help me regain trust in my brain. To prove to myself that I can have opinions on things... and that those opinions are thoughtful, integrous, and authentic. I hope that by so blatantly explaining my reasoning behind certain perspectives, I will prove to myself that I actually have a clever perspective that I shouldn’t be ashamed to share.
Releasing myself from the tornado was the first step. The peace that has flooded my life throughout these past 8 months has been indescribable. I am so grateful that I have been able to catch my breath and see that it is possible to heal.
Thanks for witnessing // joining me here. Let the greater self-trust & healing begin.
With love always,
~Kara
